Wait
by EvidenceOfMe
Summary: This is just a one shot I wrote on how Grissom is feeling. Set during season 9. So hope you like. Not really sure what else to say about it. I suck at writting the summary. But please read it! lol


Wait - Mat Kearney

He could feel the cold wind of December as he made my way out of the lab. Grissom pulled his jacket tighter around himself. Trying to keep the cold breeze from penetrating his warm coat. As he breathed out he could see his breathe in the air. He look up at the stars. Not a cloud was in sight.

Grissom quickly made his way to his car and opened the door. He started the engine and turned on the radio. He needed something to distract his mind. Christmas music started playing, but he changed the channel before the song could finish. He couldn't think of Christmas...not now. Holiday's where supposed to be filled with love, joy and family. But for him it was a grave reminder that he was alone.

Before going home he remembered he needed to pick up some more dog food for Hank. So technically he wasn't alone. Hank was there. But sometimes a dog as your family is not enough to make it okay. He made his way into the busy store. It was like he was on auto pilot. Not paying any attention to his surroundings. He payed for the food and quickly made his way out of the store.

The clerk wished him an early Merry Christmas. He gave her a weak smile in return. He already knew his Christmas would not be the least bit merry. He felt so alone as he made his way through the parking lot. And yet it was full of people, busy with holiday shopping.

He drove the rest of the way home in a daze. No matter how hard he tried to distract himself he couldn't keep his mind off her. Grissom shook his head as he made his way up the sidewalk to his house. Hank greeted him at the door, but not with his usual happiness. Grissom had noticed that about Hank ever since she had left. Much like himself, Hank was no longer motivated to do anything. Things that would normally excited him a lot would only bring a smile to his face, or in Hanks case just a slight wag of his tail.

Just as he closed the door behind him the phone rang. He grabbed the phone of the table and looked at the caller id. Catherine. He didn't answer. He didn't feel much like talking tonight. He knew he owed it to her to answer, seeing as how she had called him around this time almost every night this week.

But again...he didn't answer.

Grissom took Hank outside and then fed him. He knew he should eat also, but food was the last thing on his mind. He turned off all the lights and made sure the doors where locked and then made his way to their bedroom...well, now it was just his.

He glanced in the mirror as he walked past. The man he saw staring back at him looked broken. On the inside and out. His eyes looked tired and empty. No life was left in them. Grissom looked away. He remembered so many times when he had looked in that very mirror and had seen a happy man. A man with a spark in his eye and a smile on his lips. It tore at his heart to see himself like this, even though he knew he was doing nothing to prevent it.

That's what hurt him the most, was knowing that he wasn't even trying. He let himself become like this. It was his own damn fault.

Grissom went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. Anything. Anything to get his mind off of her. He loved to think about her. Her smile. Her laugh. But it hurt him to much. Brought to many unwanted feelings to the surface. Feelings he could not bare to face.

He stared at his hands. Water dripping from his finger tips. He thought about the times when she had held his hand. Such a simple thing as holding hands and yet it was one thing he missed very much. She would hold his hand while they where walking Hank, or even when they where sitting on the couch watching tv.

But now his hands didn't feel like his own. They where rough and cracked. He shook his head as he dried his hands. He made his way into his bedroom, not even bothering to turn on the light as he made his way into bed.

He closed his eyes. His thoughts drifted back to her. He could almost feel her breathe on his face. As if she was there. Laying right next to him. His eyes popped open. The bed was empty and cold. How could he even let himself think that. He knew she wasn't there. How could she be. She was gone. Grissom rubbed his eyes.

He needed to stop. But how could you stop thinking about the one you love? It was not exactly an easy task to do. She had been gone for some time now. He thought by now he would be able to prevent her from plaguing his thoughts. But he had yet to accomplish it.

It was like he was in front of this big wall that he could not climb. Like half of himself wanted to see the other side. To see happiness and joy. But the other half did not want to forget her. Not that he ever could, but still...When she left he had tried so hard to keep his thoughts away from her. Away from work, many things at the lab reminded him of her. He wouldn't even discus her with Jim or Catherine. He had ran away from everything that reminded him of her. But now it was as if he was running out of things to run from. And he found himself facing each thing he had tried so hard to forget.

Now all he had left was time. Time to think of her. Time to remember.

Sometimes he wondered why he was trying to hard to forget. He loved her with all of his heart. So why couldn't he keep her in this thoughts, if she wasn't in his life. He hadn't even tried to contact her. He had the first few days but then he just stopped. He didn't even know why. So many times in the day he caught himself worrying about her. So if he worried why didn't he call?

He knew she must me mad at him. If he was in her situation he would have been. He was at the edge of the road. There was nowhere left to turn, but to turn around and go back. Back to how things used to be. He was holding on to who he wanted to be, but who he was, was much stronger. He wanted to forget and move on with life. But that wasn't who he was. Deep down that was not him. How could he forget her? She was his life. His reason for living. His purpose.

She was his light when everything else was dark. But now he was left in complete darkness. And he didn't know what to do. But he couldn't be mad at her. Even if he wanted to be, his heart would not allow it. He would always start mentally yelling at her but somewhere along the way things would turn and he would be the one in the wrong. It's bad enough when you get yelled at but when you start yelling at yourself because you know you where wrong. That is much worse.

Grissom lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Sleep was not working tonight. 'Big surprise.' He thought. Much like food, sleep was not a high priority now. He reached over and turned on the lamp beside his bed.

He grabbed a note pad and pen from the nightstand. He took a deep breathe.

'Just let the words flow....Don't think...Yeah that's a first. Me Gil Grissom not thinking...How can I do this?...How can I put feelings into words when I don't even know what I'm feeling?' He sighed. 'Don't think...Just write...Don't think...Just write."

And so he wrote.

"My dearest Sara,

I can't seem to put my words into feelings."

He stopped. Shook his head, tore that paper away and started again.

"My dearest Sara,

I can't seem to put my feelings into words, so please bare with me. I want us to be together. I think we both know that we are made for each other. I know that I have made wrong choices and have hurt you beyond what I can imagine. But my heart longs for you. I try not to think about you. I know how horrible that sounds, but it's just that every time I think of you, your smile, your laugh, your voice, my heart bleeds.

I can't live without you. I thought I could but now I know that I can't. I can't stand it anymore. I want to come with you. Where ever you may be, I want to be right by your side. Seeing everything you see. I want to live the rest of my life with you. So please, take me back. Forgive me. I know that is a lot to ask and probably to much. But I will understand if you say no. At least then I can do my best to move on. But you will always hold every bit of my heart.

You are my one and only. So please say that I am your only one. Your only true love. I need to know because I am only holding on to life by a thread and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

So what I'm trying to say, is that I will wait. I will wait for your answer. I will wait for you. No matter how long that will be. You will always hold heart. I love you Sara. I love you more then life.

Sincerely yours,

Gil"

He re-read the letter at least three times. He thought about crumbling it up and throwing it away but he knew if he did that he would never be able to bring himself to do this again. So he carefully folded it up and set in on the nightstand. Ready and waiting for him to send it in the morning.

Grissom turned of the light and pulled the sheets up. Maybe tonight he would actually be able to get some sleep. He smiled as he thought of Sara.

'I will wait for you.'


End file.
